Thursday. Freshmen and Sophomores took the lovely EOC test today. Fun. My brain has been cooked like an egg in virtually every single way: scrambled, fried, boiled – you name it, it’s been done to my head. Lately things have been so heavy on my mind, it feels like I can’t sort through anything. Even the simplest of things. Studying is hardly an option; the WHAP test has consumed my soul and chopped it into bits. I haven’t even taken it yet and just the very thought of it makes my skin crawl and my heart drop into some deep, dark pit. I guess I just fear potential failure. Plus, I’m not exactly proficient in the focusing department. My mind’s always somewhere else – I’ve taken a trip to Turkey hundreds of times in my head, whether it be imagined while gazing at clouds or closing my eyes and seeing it play before me like a drama. It’s everything to me, or so it seems. I’ve played through the scene each day my eyes have opened for the past two months, and now it’s almost here. I’ve only got what, two-and-a-half weeks left? It’s starting to dawn on me that it will be quite a while before I see the U.S. again: my friends, school, family… Mommy, DeDe, AnneAnne. It’s kind of unfathomable at the moment, mostly because I’ve been in such close proximity to them for as long as I can remember. But with my family in Turkey, there’s always been that kind of distance, like it was always meant to be. There was always a curiosity in knowing who they are, for they are a part of me. I wonder how different they will be from me. Will they be fascinated by the culture in which I grew up? Maybe Yagmur will associate me with the kinds of American culture she experiences all the time through media. Maybe she won’t. Maybe they’ll find that I can fit myself into the culture as smoothly as liquid. Who knows? Only time will tell.
Listening to There For Tomorrow. It’s been kind of a long day – these days have seemed like centuries, quite honestly. Trapped. Caged. I’m longing for a release – from myself.
Every part of me yearns for experience. Every part of me fears experience. It’s all a blur and jumbled together that it’s terrifying and I don’t know exactly how I’m riding this rollercoaster. I’m a teenager, for God’s sake. It’s a train wreck, carnival fantasy, and nightmare all wrapped up like a Taco Bell burrito. I’m looking for a way out, but it looks like I’m gonna be stuck here for a while. Why not enjoy the ride, then?
A thought came to me earlier today when I was leaving Just Love Coffee. Opening my car door to put my books inside, I thought to myself: “Holy shit, I’m driving.” I still can’t believe it. What happened to the frightful Amber I knew just a few weeks ago? Where did she go? Did she leave, or am I just shedding old skin? All of these kinds of thoughts and questions are becoming more and more important to me every day. They’re questions that I’m searching for an answer to, things that mean the world to me now. It’s all a fascinating, terrifying, enlivening experience. I’m changing.
The world’s colors are suddenly more vibrant; they have a voice to them, and they speak to me in ways I never imagined I could understand. The beauty of it is almost too intoxicating, yet I crave it. It speaks to me; it cries with me; it hopes with me.
And somewhere, someone else is hearing the world’s spoken words.